Why “Heard, Hugged, Helped, Hiatus” might be the back-to-school parenting reset you need comes down to this: the start of a new school year often brings a swirl of emotions—for kids and parents alike. One moment your child is excited about their new classroom, and the next they’re melting down over missing shoes or forgotten homework. In those messy in-between moments, it’s hard to know whether your child needs comfort, solutions, space, or simply someone to listen. That’s where this simple four-part framework can help you reset the way you show up—and give your child exactly what they need to feel supported.”
One simple but powerful tool is what I call the “Four H’s.”
In the heat of the moment, you can ask your child:
“Do you want to be heard, hugged, helped, or do you need a hiatus?”
This little menu of choices helps kids identify and communicate what kind of support they need most when they’re struggling. It also relieves you of the impossible task of reading their minds. And maybe best of all—it gives your child a sense of agency and power when they’re feeling out of control.
Let’s dig into each of the H’s and how you might use them.
Heard
Sometimes what your child most needs is to feel heard. That might mean you simply sit and listen while they pour out their frustration about the substitute teacher who “does everything wrong,” or about how “everyone else” finished their math sheet before they did.
Listening without immediately jumping in to correct, reassure, or solve is harder than it sounds. Our adult brains are often wired to fix. But when a child feels seen and understood in their struggle, their nervous system starts to settle on its own.
You can communicate “heard” in simple ways:
- “Ugh, that sounds so frustrating.”
- “I get it—you really wanted things to go differently.”
- “I’m listening. Tell me more.”
The goal is not to agree or disagree, but to validate their experience. That validation often helps kids move through big feelings more quickly than when we rush to “make it better.”
Hugged
Sometimes words won’t cut it. Sometimes, the only thing that helps is connection through the body—a hug, a hand on the back, sitting shoulder to shoulder on the couch, or even wrapping them up in a blanket burrito.
“Hugged” doesn’t always mean literal hugging. Some kids bristle at the idea of being touched when upset. For them, you might offer:
- “Want me to sit close but not touch?”
- “Do you want me to bring you your stuffed animal or blanket?”
- “Want me to hold your hand, or just be nearby?”
Physical connection—when it’s wanted—releases oxytocin, which lowers stress hormones. It reminds kids in a visceral way: “I’m safe, I’m not alone.”
Helped
Then there are the times when your child actually wants help solving the problem. They may be ready to brainstorm strategies for organizing their backpack, to rehearse how to ask their teacher a question, or to talk through ways to approach a tricky friendship.
“Helped” works best after some of the initial storm has passed. Once kids feel heard or hugged, their brains are calmer and more open to problem-solving. Jumping to “helped” too soon can backfire—kids may resist advice when they’re still swimming in strong emotions.
When the timing is right, “helped” might sound like:
- “Want me to share some ideas, or do you want to think through your own?”
- “Do you want to make a little plan together?”
- “Would it help if I wrote down some of your thoughts so you don’t forget?”
Offering help respectfully, without forcing it, models collaboration and respect.
Hiatus
And then there’s the fourth H: hiatus.
Sometimes, when kids are really dysregulated, they can’t access words, hugs, or problem-solving at all. Even asking them what they want might make things worse. That’s when the most compassionate option may be to press “pause.”
To “go on hiatus” means to temporarily stop an activity for an unspecified amount of time, with the understanding that you’ll come back to it later. Think of a TV show going off the air for a season, or a band taking a break before their next tour. A hiatus isn’t abandonment—it’s an interval that makes space for regrouping before resuming.
For a child, “hiatus” might look like:
- Going to their room for some alone time.
- Taking a walk around the block.
- Spending a few minutes with a favorite toy, book, or pet.
- Listening to music, drawing, or lying under the covers.
The key is that the pause is temporary. Hiatus isn’t about ignoring your child’s feelings or refusing to engage. It’s about giving their nervous system time to cool off so they can actually receive the care you’re offering later.
And here’s an important reminder: after a hiatus, always circle back.
Check in with curiosity and gentleness:
- “How are you feeling now?”
- “Do you want to talk, or would you like a hug?”
- “Are you ready for some ideas, or do you still need more space?”
Sometimes, the pause is exactly what they needed to then accept one of the other H’s.
Why the Four H’s Work
The magic of this framework is that it:
- Normalizes a range of needs. Kids learn that it’s okay to need listening, comfort, solutions, or space—all are valid.
- Builds self-awareness. Over time, kids start to recognize for themselves what helps them regulate.
- Promotes agency. Offering a “menu” gives kids a sense of choice and control during stressful moments.
- Reduces power struggles. Instead of you imposing your guess, you’re collaborating.
It also helps parents slow down, stay flexible, and avoid defaulting to our own preferred way of coping (many of us rush to fixing, or to hugging, even if that’s not what our child needs).
Making It Your Own
Of course, the exact language of the Four H’s might not feel natural in your family. That’s okay. The framework is adaptable.
Instead of “heard, hugged, helped, hiatus,” your versions might be:
- “Do you want me to just listen, give you a squeeze, help you figure it out, or give you some space?”
- “Do you want words, hugs, ideas, or alone time?”
- “Do you want a buck-up cowgirl, a there-there, or some quiet time?” (If your family leans silly.)
What matters is the message: I’m here. I care. And I’ll show up in the way that feels right to you.
When Kids Can’t Choose
Sometimes, especially with younger children or those whose nervous systems are very dysregulated, they won’t be able to choose from the menu. They may yell, push you away, or collapse in overwhelm.
In those cases, you can experiment gently:
- Start with listening (“heard”).
- If that doesn’t help, offer physical or your-child-specific-non-physical comfort (“hugged”).
- If that’s rejected, you can back off and give space (“hiatus”).
- Later, once they’re calmer, you can revisit problem-solving (“helped”).
The point is not to do it perfectly, but to stay attuned and flexible.
Practicing as Parents
Using the Four H’s isn’t just for kids—it’s for us, too. Parents also need to feel heard, hugged, helped, or to take a hiatus sometimes. When you’re running on empty, it’s much harder to show up with patience and flexibility for your child.
Try asking yourself: What do I need right now? Do I need to be heard by a friend? Hugged by my partner? Helped with the dishes? A hiatus with a cup of tea and my phone on silent?
Modeling this self-awareness and self-compassion shows your kids that everyone deserves care.
Reflection
Back-to-school transitions will always bring a mix of excitement, stress, and unpredictability. But by leaning into the framework of Heard, Hugged, Helped, Hiatus, you can transform those everyday meltdowns into moments of connection. Think of it as your back-to-school parenting reset—a way to pause, tune in, and respond with clarity instead of overwhelm. You don’t need perfect words or flawless timing; you only need the willingness to slow down, notice what your child truly needs, and offer them presence, comfort, guidance, or space. In doing so, you’ll not only ease the bumps of this season but also strengthen the trust and resilience your child will carry far beyond the classroom.
Check out more ways to help your child with big feelings.
Looking for additional support?
Dr. Nanika Coor of Brooklyn Parent Therapy offers services to help you implement respectful parenting strategies and build strong, lasting relationships with your children. Consider a customized Parent Intensive program designed to tackle specific parenting challenges. These tailored sessions can help you break intergenerational cycles of disconnection and build a more connected, respectful family dynamic.
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